...they're in my head.
Over the past few years, I have been going through some uncomfortable growing pains. When I first moved here, I did not concentrate on making new friends. I was perfectly polite (at least I think I was) to people, but I always withdrew from any type of intimacy or deep friendships with people here. This was in part because I had a few wonderful friends back in NJ and NY and I didn't see the need to start anew. However, if I'm going to be honest with myself, my behavior was largely in part because I am afraid of forming friendships with people. I counted myself very fortunate to have a very small number of good friends back home, but I also found them to be somewhat of an anomaly in my life. I didn't know how I got so lucky to make those friends or why they continued to be in my life, but I also didn't know how to make new friends here that would hold similar value as my dear friends back in NJ and NY. As a result, I contented myself with being slightly remote and emotionally inaccessible.
I've never had a great track record with friends. For that reason, I've always avoided any groups of girls because inevitably they morph into "mean girls." That's obviously oversimplifying the facts, but generally speaking, I find it really difficult to be friends with a group of girls because I simply do not understand the girl dynamic.
Anyway, so I amused myself for a few years by having a few vague acquaintances. I told myself this was all fine and dandy, but the strain of having few people to call friends here has worn on me over the past few years. Simultaneously (or perhaps this caused the strain), I realized that certain acquaintances who I had a fondness for were largely consumed by their feelings of enmity towards me. It's a really sobering feeling to realize that you aren't well-liked. I've gone through a great deal of self-analysis over the past few years as a result of these epiphanies and while I realize where I'd gone wrong with my behavior, I also realized that I had to be much more selective in terms of who I deemed "worth" my time and energy. Just because someone is in my peer group doesn't mean I have to be bff with her, right? Right.
Anyway, so last year, my resolution was to become more social, make myself more vulnerable (and thus more exposed and open to friends with quality people) and reach out to people whose company I enjoyed. A year later, I can't exactly say that I've got a zillion friends, but that was never my intention. However, I have made a very small number of new friends through work and some outside interests of mine. I've even intitiated going out for coffee/drinks, shopping or invited those friends over to our home. It's been slow progress, but I feel like I'm finally coming out of my shell. I feel more blessed for the people I've let into my life and I've learned a lot from these great people.
I'm going to continue to work on my relationships with people. If you're reading this, don't let me fall behind on my self-improvement goals. Also, if you're reading this, thanks for giving me a chance. Those of you who I've befriended in person and spent time with laughing and chit-chatting away are high on my list of reasons why 2008 was a great year for me. I hope I can continue to deepen those friendships in the coming year.
